What the Heck Happened?

CJ got his first dirt bike tonight and it made me think about the person I am versus the type of person I had planned on being.

When you are young you have all these ideas (should be called fantasies) about your future. I know I did. I had it all planned out and knew exactly the type of mom I was going to be and the type of life I would have.

My kids were going to be perfect, there would never be the need to yell. My house was going to be perfect. My career was going to be fun and well, perfect. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do but it was either going to be in the sports field or for a major corporation. My marriage was going to be perfect, divorce was not something *I* was going to go through.

Life is funny because we have all these 'ideas' (fantasies) of what we will do and how our life will go. It never turns out the way we plan.

I didn't have 2 kids as I planned, I had 4. My kids aren't perfect and at least once a day I have to raise my voice to be heard over the chaotic noise of 4 kids between the ages of 10 and almost 1. At least once a day one of the kids talks back, pouts or stomps off. I have a 3 year old so we are in the "No, I won't do THAT" stage.

My house is never 'clean'. I constantly live in a state of semi organized clutter. Toys litter the living room AND playroom. A good day is when only 3 laundry baskets are full instead of 5.

I work in the wedding industry and work from home. Most of the time I am rushing to meet deadlines in my pajamas that are soaked with baby drool and 3 yo sticky finger prints. Many days I have the added bonus of either a hairstyle by a 3 yo or some type of food in my hair from the same 3 yo's sticky fingers. When I do work out of the house it's at a dog grooming shop, so I am covered in dog hair.

I was divorced by the time ODS was 1, separated by the time he was 6 months old.

So, what the heck happened??? Life of course:)

Plans are just dreams in our head. The reality is often so much different than any plans we make. Things happen that change our plans so drastically. Spouses leave, birth control fails, you inherit a condition that changes your ENTIRE life.

I am actually grateful for the realities that have changed my life plans.

My kids talk back sometimes. Often they are loud and sometimes whiny. There are A LOT of them:) But they are amazing, wonderful kids. CJ is so bright and his knowledge amazes me daily (at 10 he's way smarter than I am). Christian is so sweet and kind. I love that he tells a classmate how beautiful she looks every Wednesday and he tells me that I am the best Mommy in the world. Caitlyn makes me laugh ALL the time. At 3 she is not afraid to be her own person and march to the beat of her own drummer (or her own Monkey in the backyard). Cara is such a sweet, happy girl. I often watch her play and wonder what she will be like in a couple of years. So, yes, I had more than 2 kids and yes, sometimes I have to yell, but I am glad things turned out this way.

I am glad I didn't have some fancy career as I planned. Working at home is hard and can be frustrating but I love my job and I love the freedom. I also love having the option to go into work on occasion and get adult interaction.

I have learned that I would rather play with the kids than have a spotless house. I've begun to find the toys littered everywhere oddly comforting. When I see them it reminds me that I have happy, active children.

I am even glad I got divorced. My first marriage gave me CJ and for that I am truly grateful. It also taught me alot about myself and that I had more inner strength than I thought. It also made me cherish my DH. My marriage now is less than perfect. We argue and I even yell sometimes, but I always remember what a good man he is and I appreciate what a great dad he is to the kids.

In a strange way I am even grateful for the Fibro. It taught me alot about what in life is important and how to push aside the other stuff. When you live with pain you have to change your daily life to accomodate your new reality. I take few things for granted now and take time to appreciate the small things in life. I also learned that self pity gets you nowhere, so you might as well make the most of the reality you are given.

I am biased but I think the reality of who I am is way better than the "me" I had planned.

Thank you Life:)

For all the closet Eminem fans . . . a new song!

Heather this is for you:) I found "Crack a Bottle" on Itunes tonight and I think you'll like it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQTBBCasvj8

Fibromyalgia Explanation:

Just to clarify since some feel Fibro is an excuse to lay on the couch and watch soaps:

Fibromyalgia, which has also been referred to as fibromyalgia syndrome, fibromyositis and fibrositis, is characterized by chronic widespread pain, multiple tender points, abnormal pain processing, sleep disturbances, fatigue and often psychological distress. For those with severe symptoms, fibromyalgia can be extremely debilitating and interfere with basic daily activities.

Symptoms:

Pain:
The pain of fibromyalgia is profound, chronic and widespread. It can migrate to all parts of the body and vary in intensity. FM pain has been described as stabbing and shooting pain and deep muscular aching, throbbing, and twitching. Neurological complaints such as numbness, tingling, and burning are often present and add to the discomfort of the patient. The severity of the pain and stiffness is often worse in the morning. Aggravating factors that affect pain include cold/humid weather, non-restorative sleep, physical and mental fatigue, excessive physical activity, physical inactivity, anxiety and stress.
Fatigue:
In today's world many people complain of fatigue; however, the fatigue of FM is much more than being tired after a particularly busy day or after a sleepless night. The fatigue of FM is an all-encompassing exhaustion that can interfere with occupational, personal, social or educational activities. Symptoms include profound exhaustion and poor stamina
Sleep problems:
Many fibromyalgia patients have an associated sleep disorder that prevents them from getting deep, restful, restorative sleep. Medical researchers have documented specific and distinctive abnormalities in the Stage 4 deep sleep of FM patients. During sleep, individuals with FM are constantly interrupted by bursts of awake-like brain activity, limiting the amount of time they spend in deep sleep.
Other symptoms/overlapping conditions:
Additional symptoms may include: irritable bowel and bladder, headaches and migraines, restless legs syndrome (periodic limb movement disorder), impaired memory and concentration, skin sensitivities and rashes, dry eyes and mouth, anxiety, depression, ringing in the ears, dizziness, vision problems, Raynaud's Syndrome, neurological symptoms, and impaired coordination.

What do . . . . .

Cookies, beach, a baby shirt, birthdays all have in common? I can't answer that but Caitlyn just talked about all these things in 2 minutes. Here was the conversation:

(Caitlyn jumping up and down on a kitchen chair)
Caitlyn: I want my food!
Me: You just ate, I don't know what food you are talking about?
Caitlyn: I know I can go look for cookies in the backyard, see my shirt (baby shirt she managed to get on) it is a bikini and I am going to the beach to go swimming (50 degrees outside!!!) *1/2 second pause*Is today your birthday? Is today daddy's birthday? Is today my birthday? Please, oh please say today is my birthday and I am going to have cake while I look for cookies in my backyard and then we're going to the beach.
Me: Caitlyn, want to watch Wubbzy??? (please say yes, please say yes).

Blogging is hard!

So, apparently who ever posted that I think so highly of myself and I think I am so perfect was really, really misled.

I can't even think of anything to say on a blog I started after my 8 month old was born. I must be one of those super, secret know it alls.

Funny how one person can have so much hate inside of them. I don't get it, but maybe that is because I try to live my life away from people like that. You can't change them and no matter what I say or do its not like they are going to suddenly "love" me. Some people are just so unhappy with their lives they need to lash out at others who are secure or happy.

People spend so much time worrying about who is saying what, trying to read between the lines, etc. that they lose out on the beauty in life. A person's opinion of you isn't going to stop the sun from rising or suddenly turn you into a bad mother, wife, person. A faceless person on a blog who thinks it will "hurt" me or upset me to say fibro is fake doesn't have the power to completely eliminate a medical condition (don't I wish!). All it means is that they are so ignorant and hatefilled that they will use anything to get back for some perceived wrong.

Maybe it makes me a bad person but I love my life, not that it is perfect, and I am proud of what I have accomplished. I didn't have the best childhood and there were a lot of odds stacked against me (still are) but I didn't let it get to me. I haven't continued any of the cycles. I consider myself a success story. Apparently others too since I was honored to be published for my parenting tips. That doesn't mean I think I am better than anyone else, it just means that I know what I have been through and I know I am a survivor (not a victim).

As for fibro, it may sound mean but I would love to see the person who claimed it was fake to deal with it for just one week. That would change their tune, but I am not going to go on about that b/c like everything else the Fibro is just one more thing that makes me a winner in life. I have it and but it doesn't define who I am.

Lesson is that some people do not like winners. Sad really because we should be supporting each other and encouraging others to be successful in live, love and themselves.

Welcome Cara Ellen:)

On June 4th we welcomed our 4th (yes, FOURTH) child into the world!! We are pleased to introduce Miss Cara Ellen, born 6/04 @ 1:54am. She weighed 6lbs 13oz and was 19 inches long. She was born with a tiny bit of blonde fuzz and beautiful blue eyes.

I thought the birth of our 4th kid was a good time to start a blog and give me a place to write about the fun of balancing working from home, having 4 kids and life in general:)